So! Hello bloggers, readers, people!
I have been too busy to blog, since you know, SCHOOL, but I decided to spend my friday evening telling you about my teenage life!
This week has been CRAAAAZY, I mean emotionally,
I like to keep a mental log about these things, so obviously on Monday I felt like crap, no one wants to go back to school, plus I had spent the night before not sleeping but thinking,
Tuesday was better – ish but incredibly boring,
Wednesday I was hyper, on top of the world,
Thursday I was even more hyper, until around 7:30pm, where I got a talk at mosque regarding death, and the importance of life, etc etc,
If that doesn’t sober you up, nothing will!
So I woke up today in a shit mood, I went to school and tried to be happy, smiled at everyone, was generally nice, and la de da, but then I just got stuck with my thoughts, after one of my friends mentioned something I really didn’t want to talk about, and feeling stupid and weak,
Plus the fact that EVERYONE seems to think I’m some sort of Barbie doll who only thinks about what clothes to wear and the colour pink! I AM NOT A BARBIE DOLL! Sure, I loved Barbie growing up, sure I like to look good, I like the colour pink, but that doesn’t make me some naive plastic bitch,
I care about the world, I can be intelligent, I think about things no one else does, for God’s sake I write poetry that makes people cry,
I AM NOT A LOVEY DOVEY IGNORANT GIRL THAT IS HEADED NOWHERE,
I am me, I am headed to writing amazing things, things that matter, things that will change the way we think.
It hurts. That people so close to me think of me in such a low way,
I actually feel a pain, it hurts that much,
I cried when I got home from school, I was praying the wonderful Quraan, since I wanted to feel spiritually closer to God,
And I just burst, I couldn’t take it, the pain, not just of the dumb shit I’m ranting about, but the pain I feel always, the pain I push to the background, the pain that knocks the breath out of me, the pain that is slowly killing me (metaphorically)
I went to mosque and felt okay again, but then I got to my 2nd lesson and I had done my homework, but in lesson, I felt so stupid, there was just this little voice inside my head telling me “Maryam, you’re so stupid, what do you think you’re doing trying to learn arabic, you’re just a dumb bitch”
I don’t know why I think that way, but sometimes I do
I am my biggest enemy, I know that,
I guess it all comes down to the fact I’m still healing, and people will shoot me whislt I’m down, I know,
I have to be stronger than this, I can’t let them drag me down,
I will try 🙂
For now I must pray, and sleep for tomorrow shall be a busy day!
Bon Nuit ❤