I haven’t been myself lately and by trying to distance myself from other people, I just made them angry,
I can’t apologise, this happens too often, I can’t apologise for the way I am.
If I look in the mirror I see a ghost, tired, so tired, even if she slept for 10 hours straight, I feel so tired, I don’t really know why,
I’ve been eating too many carbs, I seem to be craving potatoes, cereal, pasta, rice, I just eat and eat and eat, it’s really bad, but if I suddenly stop my stomach’s going to be weird, so I’m going to have to slowly reduce, I can’t live without carbs, I cannot. I mean I’m not fat. I’m pretty healthy, I’ve just realised my stomach’s a little flabbier, my arms aren’t as tight, my calves don’t look as good as they used to, maybe it’s all in my head, but I feel like a slob,
Maybe it’s part of growing, you know, my body needing all this food because I’m still developing?
The reason I’m not myself? I’m not really sure, I’ve been living by the advice not to share my sorrows – not to spread negativity, I haven’t even been writing about my sorrows, but the other day I cried my eyes out because all the stuff I’ve been keeping inside just exploded, and I cried for like an hour, I kept expecting someone to come in my room and console me, I mean how stupid is that? It was the middle of the night! I feel really alone, I know I’m not but I feel like it, but I guess that’s my fault for pushing everyone away, my brain’s fault for telling me no one cares, my brain needs to stop bullying me. Seriously.
This is really bad timing too, this is the last month befor exams start, and I just can’t deal with all this crap right now, but ignoring it does not help. I’ve learnt that the advice didn’t mean don’t share your sorrow at all, it meant there’s specific people, speicific times to share, not all the time.
And then there’s God on top of all this (no pun intended). I mean WHAT ARE YOU, WHO ARE YOU, WHERE ARE YOU? At Mosque yesterday we had this assembly on the importance of remembering God, and I just sat there thinking “hah, I think of you all the time, it don’t help” I mean the assmbly was about you know, cleansing your heart, repenting for sin,
I actually made intentions to start praying and stop listening to music in preperation for Ramadhaan, which is like A MONTH AWAY,
All those intentions died as soon as I got home. -_- That always happens.
My logic came to the conclusion, that even if religion is just a massive placebo, at least it keeps me from doing wrong, and makes me a better person, even if I die and at the end of the day there is nothing after death, I’ll have lived a good life.
I just don’t know what to do apart from carry on working and keeping my shit together, my brain’s nagging at me right now telling me my room’s not clean, I KNOW IT ISN’T, BUT I DON’T WANT TO CLEAN IT RIGHT NOW, I NEED TO EAT.
Can I have a new brain please? Someone? Any voluteers?
Yeah so my next steps are going to be: deleting all music and downloading religiosu shmuck, as well as rain sounds, trying to pray more often, uhmmm
CLEANING MY ROOM.
Hope you all have a wonderful sunday, thanks for putting up with me!