advice · beingyoung · lifelesson · lifestuff · Random

I Should Just Tell You, Right?

 

The first time I heard this song I thought “this isn’t fun at all”
But it’s actually a good song to dance to, that’s not the point, I just need to tell you guys some stuff, the reason why this song depressed the fuck out of me when I first heard it:

I may sound like I’m positive, and strong etc etc etc, I may sound like I rarely go through shit,

but I used to bang my head on the wall, literally, I would get so stressed I’d just bash my head onto the wall, this was last year, I stopped once I realised it left faint bruises on my FRIKKING FOREHEAD, FUCKING DUH, and I’m not sure if that’s deemed as self harm, but it was my way of letting go, because I’d just feel so dizzy, the instant pain of bashing my head on a wall would shut my brain up for a few seconds at most, I couldn’t cut myself because I was a coward, I couldn’t. I’d picked up scissors, knives even, quite a few times, but I couldn’t do it, I’d just scream instead, (my parents are deaf, don’t even ask how they didn’t figure all of this out, I don’t even know, fucked up family? YES.)

It once got so bad I had painkillers set out on my floor, a bottle of water, I’m talking like 16 pills here, and I was just so scared, I couldn’t take life anymore, this was all when I was 14/15 years old, what could I have possibly been thinking?

I didn’t.

I didn’t take the pills, I didn’t cut. I didn’t. I just banged my head on the wall. I screamed. I cried. I skipped a few meals. I didn’t try to kill myself though.

I’m just too much of a fucking coward.

The reason I stopped was because I saw my little brother sleeping at the other side of the room, I saw him, and I thought “fuck, what am I doing!?!?!!”

I then called someone (secretly), cried my eyes out, barely choking out the words “I want to die” {who at the time meant a lot to me, but now we’re strangers.}

I owe it to him. I owe it to both of them.

I owe my fucking life to my little brother.

I’m glad I didn’t do it. I’m so fucking glad I’m a coward. I’m glad I don’t have scars, that my forehead is now fine, that I’m alive.

I’m so glad I survived.

I guess, I needed to get this out, because I’m fucking proof that shit does get better, I’m not saying my life’s amazing, it isn’t. I’m just proof that life won’t always be like that. I admit, I still feel like I want to end my life sometimes, but I remember how long I’ve made it through, I’ve made it out alive.

It’s hard, people will have it much harder than me I’m sure, but you will survive. And you’ll be so proud afterwards. You’ll be so proud. You have so much more to do, why end it now?

So please guys, look after yourselves, mentally, and don’t do something you’ll regret later. Easier said than done, but hey, I’m trying to help,

Just be kind to yourself. ❤

 

 

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10 thoughts on “I Should Just Tell You, Right?

  1. Guess what? You’ve got it all wrong. You’re not a coward, you are brave. Sharing your weaknesses makes you strong. Speaking out about your own pain in an effort to help others is courageous and compassionate. I am sorry you didn’t have family that recognized your pain at the time and could give you the love and attention you needed in your difficult time.
    I think that was very wise of you to reach out to your friend. So glad you did.

    I have a friend who is doing a similar thing. Sharing her story in an effort to help others come to a better place. I think you would love her blog and Youtube channel.. She is 21 and is trying to find her path and heal from her past. She is very positive but real.

    Congratulations to you for speaking your truth. You are very brave to do that. It takes courage. Here are my friends links. Let me know what you think.

    https://givinglifesubstance.wordpress.com/2016/04/19/hungry-soul/

    https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=Mystical+Mlineal

    Love to you.

    Liked by 1 person

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