The blinds sway back and forth letting beams of sunlight slash my skin with gold,
I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be,
I’m not sure who I’m supposed to be,
The breakdown from last night has caused a blackout and I don’t remember how I got to sleep, I woke up incredibly confused, I’m sure I was wearing a jumper when I fell asleep? Where is it? When did I fall asleep? Why is my sister’s bed empty, no duvet either?
Then it hits me.
I scared her so much so that she now won’t sleep in the same room as me,
Yesterday the monster came out, I was so close to beating her up, I was going to beat up my 7 year old sister, what type of a person does such a thing?
I didn’t. I remember I didn’t. I pushed her around a bit and screamed “GET OUT!” Over and over again until she did. Shit. I fucked up.
Today she seems okay, I think, she’s not chirruping at me like she normally does.
I don’t know why, it’s like a switch inside me was flipped and I just went from sleepy to furious in 2 seconds. I cried 3 times. I totally broke down.
The voices in my head were telling me I’m a shit sister, a shit human being, a shit daughter,
I told them to shut the fuck up, I may have said this out loud, I’m not really sure,
I flipped because she had stolen from me, again, this time a gift I’d bought in December for someone’s birthday, which is today, I totally lost it,
Over what? A gift set?
I’m totally fucked up.
And the thing is, I might be affecting her mental health now, by being the weirdo I am, by having these immense moodswings and breakdowns, children learn what they live, what if I’m unable to have children because I’m mentally unstable?
The worst thing is I don’t even know why I have them. I just do. And then the snickering voices in my head get louder and louder until I shatter. Calling me names, telling me to die.
I cut my nails because I was scared I would scratch myself deep enough to bleed.
This probably sounds ridiculous to you, but I was genuinely scared. Of myself.
I spent the morning reading, it’s my way of escaping. But of course I finished the book and now it’s coming back.
I don’t know why I’m typing this, I guess I just need to get it out of my system.
Am I a terrible human being?
Am I just a teenager?
Am I lost?