I hate feeling like this , but typing furiously might help, so let’s give this a shot,
I snapped at my mum today and made her cry, no I don’t feel bad, I’m so sick of having my room taken over, my house in a mess, and when I try to clean up I get shouted at?! How is that fair!
We’re moving house soon and I’m getting increasingly stressed about all the packing that is to be done,
WE HAVEN’T EVEN STARTED, WHAT ARE MY PARENTS PLAYING AT!?!?!?!?
The tiiiiny voice in my head which I’ve tried to mute so many times is still bugging me about the tip our house is in,
our house has always been a shit hole, why is this bothering me so much?
The other thing on my mind is my the absolute lack of motivation that I have for anything these days, it’s ridiculous and it’s pissing me off,
some part of me wants to write, paint, clean my room, organise that shelf of rubbish, but another part will not let me,
is this simple procrastination or something more?
Am I overthinking? Again?
This is annoying the hell out of me,
the to do list written in crayon is still stuck on my wall, nothing has been done on it,
This all sounds ridiculously petty I know,
I’m just frantic and furious, and fed up,
fed up of feeling like my life is pathetic and I should just stop trying,
I’m done with it, I need to fight back.
I’m mad with everything, everyone,
and that makes me feel selfish and annoying,
the humongous cycle is plain stupid, why do I make my thoughts like this? Why can’t I change them?
I need someone and I have no one,
I’m angry at everyone, they all say they’ll be there for you, but no one ever is, argh now I sound like a bitch,
I know you don’t want to be my human punchbag, you don’t deserve that, but maybe I need one? Sometimes I just need to complain and I need someone to listen,
truthfully I’m mad at myself for allowing myself to worry about everything and everyone when I know no one else cares, no one cares.
I should stop ranting and DO something to change it,
I know I should,
but I can’t bring myself to do it,
I’ll end up lying on the floor staring at the ceiling wondering why I exist,
this is all too much,
I’m going to stop typing.