I sometimes lie awake at night
And wonder at the stars so bright
I dream about my future too
And the things that I will do
I said I’d try and blog daily again, what a
I got back to school last week and even though it only lasted 4 days, and even though I had fun, I feel myself slipping back, back to what I used to think,
what the hell is the point?! What’s the point in me studying all weekend for exams and tests, what’s the point in me giving up sleep for homework I was meant to do 4 weeks ago? What’s the point in putting all my effort and hard work into something, when I don’t even have an end goal.
And I broke down last night because it was all too much. I cried for no goddamn reason, and slept for 12 hours straight, woke up and started fresh.
Because that’s what I do, and that’s how I’ve changed, before I would stay under a gloomy cloud of thoughts for weeks, months, I’d fake it and fake it and keep this huge ball of emotions inside me, eating me up until I’d crash and it would be a never ending cycle of “what is the point in me being alive?”
Now? Not so much, now it’s, hey you need a milk and cookie break for sure,
hey maybe you should spend some time sat in the kitchen talking to your mum or your siblings, maybe you need a nap, maybe you need to cry,
Giving up is not an option for me anymore, nobody got time for that shit, NOBODY,
Especially with A-levels noose around your neck, and EPQ pointing a gun at you, (EPQ = Extended Project Qualification AKA hell on earth, forced to do it by school) as well as madressa giving you exams week after exam week, no pressure, just for fun,
Giving up is a huge no no,
if any of you out there feel like there’s no point anymore, sit down, look at yourself in the mirror, and think about when you were 3 years old dancing around believing with all your heart that you were a fairy,
remember the feeling, you can be whatever the hell you want to be and no one can stop you, whatever is going on in life that stresses you out, is temporary.
I woke up today thinking, hell yeah! I wanted to be a journalist, fine I can become one, I want to write poetry, fine I’ll start all over again and pretend I’m 13 and just started writing for fun,
it takes a hell of a lot of work, but when I’m on my deathbed and the Angel of death comes to take my soul, I want a huge smile on my face.
On a religious note, I gave up music yesterday, that doesn’t mean I’ll never listen to a song ever again, I just thought,
maybe in December, if your family can afford it, you’ll be going to THE house of Allah, why go there with dirty feet? Why put yourself in such a situation, I want God to see me and say “that’s the one I chose,” happily.
I must admit, it is HARD, I guess this is how it feels to give up drugs or smoking,
but it feels good, I feel so much closer to Allah,
okayyyy too emo,
I best get back to studying for my exams next week and the week after, please pray for me people, or just wish me luck!
Adieu ❤ x
(I’ve replaced my music with Islamic ‘songs’ called Nasheeds as well as rain)