beingyoung · lifestuff · Random

Oops, I procrastinated all holiday, YET AGAIN

I left everything to last minute because that’s just what I always do!!! And now I’m rushing everything,

I’m still doing my EPQ and it seems to be taking forever,

I am in SO much trouble tomorrow, I have EPQ lesson, I have a trig test, I have a stats paper due 😥

Lord help me,

I’m so screwed, and what am I doing? Sipping tea, blogging, listening to podcasts

brilliant,

wish me luck! ?

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beingyoung · lifestuff · poetry · Random

Plucking Up The Courage

I finally made a poetry page on Instagram!!!!!!

I know it will flop but hey, it’s worth a shot,

realising just how much poetry has an effect on my life I thought why the heck not! I mean I need to start writing again, it helps me with my thoughts and feelings and emotions and all that gooey icky scary stuff,

Thing is, as soon as I made it I felt shit,

utterly shit, because something inside me tells me my poetry is bad, useless, pointless, and I’m really just lying to myself about being a secret poet,

it sucks really,

I just cried about it,

I’m still crying about it,

God, I’m getting so frustrated, can I not just for once be happy about something minor and not feel bad about it?!

Stupid brain,

Stupid heart,

I named it after my blog, because even though I’ve neglected this place for so long, it still means a lot to me, it has made me, me, to be honest,

and I want to thank you all for helping me become myself, and all your continuous support.

I just want to have a bath right now and forget about all my emotions,

I shall check in later?

Oh, go and have a snoop if you’d like and give me feedback! No matter how harsh! The name is : an_enigmatic_wanderer

thank you ❤

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

beingyoung · lifestuff · Random

Assam Tea, Breakdowns & Life en Général

So!

I is back guys, I has been gone so long I’ve forgotten how this whole thing works,

I’ve decided to come back because I need an outlet I need somewhere to let loose, and I haven’t used my diary since last year because I’m just too lazy to get up and get a pen and write,

That is also the reason why I haven’t been writing poetry in what seems like forever, also one of the many things stressing me out

lol -_-

I’m currently on my Easter break from school, which isn’t really a break for me because all I seem to be doing is wasting my days and then feeling guilty about it when in fact I have a lot of work to do, don’t tell me off, there are reasons,

a.) I’m lazy
b.) I’ve been having bad moodswings lately, to be frank at the beginning of this holiday I stayed in bed for 3 days straight struggling to cope, thank God for that one person who never leaves me and always has my back,
c.) I’m lazy
d.) I was catching up on sleep
e.) I has had migraine
f.) I’M LAZY OKAY?!

so yeah I forgot where I was going with this,

uhmmmm,

right a levels! Life!

Yesterday I went to somas house, it was fun, a break from my room, my brain, my demented thoughts, it was me, her and tay, the other squad member couldn’t make it because she was away,

oh yeah, our squad (the hobos) decreased by one person, not because of death! *Eye roll* because she pissed us off and we no longer see her fit to be in our squad, (WOW I SOUND LIKE SUCH A MEAN PERSON, oh wait, I am a mean person)

so theres literally 4 of us and 1 gf whom I’m not really sure is in our squad or na,

it’s complicated,

ANYWAYS,

so the breakdowns thing, I feel I really should go get help at school or something, like get a counselor, but I’m worried they won’t take me seriously because I’ve not been properly diagnosed with any mental illness or anything, but I’m worried that my mind will get in the way of me doing the very best I can at school, madressah and in life.

I keep getting distracted,

assam tea is what I’ve replaced coffee with, I haven’t had coffee in dayssss

YAY FOR ME

remember when  I used to have 4 cups a day lolololol

I’ve realised I cry at least once almost everyday, I’m not sure if that’s like okay or not, but whatever at least I’m not having full on panic attacks or anything,

recently I’ve had quite a few issues with friends, like I’ve never had issues with these people, but lately it has happened and I was like WHAT THE FUDGE THESE PEOPLE NEVER DO THIS WHAT WHATTTTTTT, but then I sorted it so everything is fine,

I guess sometimes we just forget to talk about things, just letting things out of our minds, but yeah I think I dealt pretty good, didn’t really let it get to me much,

hmmm, being 17 is so weird, I just want school to be over already, but at the same time I’m just so scared, scared of what the future looks like, because truly I have no real idea of what the hell I want to do anymore,

I feel like nothing is really in my control, that I have to please everyone else,

and that is wrong I know, I know the world is supposedly my oyster and all that shit, but it doesn’t feel that way to me,

I don’t want to be depressing but that’s just how I feel,

Trump needs to stop blowing places up, people need to stop being so damn racist, sexist, STUPID, the world needs a fix,

I need to actually do some work now guys, at least a tiny miny bit,

so I hope you guys missed me? You probably didn’t, you’ve probably forgotten all about my crazy blog, but I hope you guys are all well and healthy and happy,

Have a great weekend ❤

 

beingyoung · lifestuff · Random

Don’t You Forget About Me

 

This is one of my all time favorite movies and I believe everyone should watch it.

Hey guys, I know I haven’t been around lately, for quite some time,

life keeps me busy, what can I say? A levels, Mosque and being a teen, of course I barely get time to blog anymore.

But alas kiddos, here I am.

I have nothing to say, apart from the fact I am continuously losing and finding myself, but hey, aren’t we all?  I have not a clue sometimes why I do the things I do daily, but whatever, all I have to do is keep smiling and carry on, no time for existential crises right now!

Also it just dawned on me that this year I’ll be 18!!!!!??????

I’m getting old, no please God, I don’t want to grow up,

I hope all of you are doing fine and dandy, hope you’re all loving the life you’re living and if not, then I hope sincerely that you’re on your way there ❤

 

 

advice · beingyoung · Random

So You And I My Dearest Friend Must Stand Together Till The End

I sometimes lie awake at night
And wonder at the stars so bright
I dream about my future too
And the things that I will do

I said I’d try and blog daily again, what a fucking lie,

I got back to school last week and even though it only lasted 4 days, and even though I had fun, I feel myself slipping back, back to what I used to think,

what the hell is the point?! What’s the point in me studying all weekend for exams and tests, what’s the point in me giving up sleep for homework I was meant to do 4 weeks ago? What’s the point in putting all my effort and hard work into something, when I don’t even have an end goal.

And I broke down last night because it was all too much. I cried for no goddamn reason, and slept for 12 hours straight, woke up and started fresh.

Because that’s what I do, and that’s how I’ve changed, before I would stay under a gloomy cloud of thoughts for weeks, months, I’d fake it and fake it and keep this huge ball of emotions inside me, eating me up until I’d crash and it would be a never ending cycle of “what is the point in me being alive?”

Now? Not so much, now it’s, hey you need a milk and cookie break for sure,

hey maybe you should spend some time sat in the kitchen talking to your mum or your siblings, maybe you need a nap, maybe you need to cry,

Giving up is not an option for me anymore, nobody got time for that shit, NOBODY,

Especially with A-levels noose around your neck, and EPQ pointing a gun at you, (EPQ = Extended Project Qualification AKA hell on earth, forced to do it by school) as well as madressa giving you exams week after exam week, no pressure, just for fun,

Giving up is a huge no no,

if any of you out there feel like there’s no point anymore, sit down, look at yourself in the mirror, and think about when you were 3 years old dancing around believing with all your heart that you were a fairy,

remember the feeling, you can be whatever the hell you want to be and no one can stop you, whatever is going on in life that stresses you out, is temporary.

I woke up today thinking, hell yeah! I wanted to be a journalist, fine I can become one, I want to write poetry, fine I’ll start all over again and pretend I’m 13 and just started writing for fun,

it takes a hell of a lot of work, but when I’m on my deathbed and the Angel of death comes to take my soul, I want a huge smile on my face.

On a religious note, I gave up music yesterday, that doesn’t mean I’ll never listen to a song ever again, I just thought,

maybe in December, if your family can afford it, you’ll be going to THE house of Allah, why go there with dirty feet? Why put yourself in such a situation, I want God to see me and say “that’s the one I chose,” happily.

I must admit, it is HARD, I guess this is how it feels to give up drugs or smoking,

but it feels good, I feel so much closer to Allah,

okayyyy too emo,

I best get back to studying for my exams next week and the week after, please pray for me people, or just wish me luck!

Adieu  ❤ x

(I’ve replaced my music with Islamic ‘songs’ called Nasheeds as well as rain)

 

 

beingyoung · lifestuff · Random

Was God Drunk When He Made You?

I spent 3 hours last night reading, I suddenly felt time shift a little, I was stuck in the book, and when I got up to switch off the lamp it was suddenly midnight,

and I felt a little like myself again,

just for a moment, a second,

I tried to sleep, but stared at the dancing shadows, I must’ve fallen asleep sometime because I woke up to my mother’s voice.

It’s weird. Everything right now is just weird.

Today I will be babysitting my cousin Baby May, I hope I don’t get fed up of her too fast, I hope she goes to sleep at nap time and doesn’t trouble me,

I shall be taking my anthology and maybe my book, but I doubt I’ll get any work done, hmph, I agreed to this, can’t complain, I really miss her, even though I saw her like 2 days ago when she stayed at my house for a few hours :’)

To be honest I have no idea where I’m going with this, I’ve just wanted to get back to being the blogger I used to be, obsessed with it, tap tap tapping all my ideas,

except right now I have very few ideas,

*sigh*

It will get better, I’m still fixing myself, I’m sure it will get better, it always does,

doesn’t it?

 

 

beingyoung · Random

A New Day, Hey, With The Sun In the Sky…

A Good Morning To You Chaps!

I woke today with a banging headache and I felt like I was definitely going to die,

nope, I’m all better now, ish, I’ve eaten and popped 2 painkillers so I better be fine, I don’t need to be worrying about my health, other things are much more important (heavy sarcasm.)

I’ve just finished my cup of black coffee, did you know I stopped drinking black coffee? I really did miss my poison!!! (Slams mug down dramatically)

Right now, like just now, I felt there is no better day to start to change, than today, because what if I’m not here tomorrow? So here I am, sat at the kitchen table at 10:40 in the morning, in my fluffy cardigan, tap tap tapping away on this here keyboard,

I’m ignoring the bad, and focusing on the good,

I was meant to go to an Islamic talk today titled ‘spiritual healing’ with my mother, but it starts in 17 minutes and I really can’t be bothered,

Maybe I’ll paint…..

Last night I cried, I won’t lie to you, I’m not really me, I haven’t been for a long time,

I got back in touch with Pluto, and no, talking to your ex isn’t always a bad plan, before we ‘dated’ we were best friends, that must stand for something,

Somehow I feel like I’m a nuisance to him, I’m a nuisance to everyone, but talking to him made me see things as they are, as they should be,

not as I want them to be,

and he reminded me to dream dream dream away,

plus he actually listens to me, unlike SOME people, he accepts me, you know?

I don’t know who I’m hinting at, sorry, no one I know in real life will read this :’)

Today is the day I fix me, and it may take more than a day,

but you know what? That’s okay with me, I’ll take as long as I need.

Because there is no person more important to you than yourself, something I have just relearned, is it learnt or learned? Whatever,

So I must go shower, and read, and clean, and dance,

I must go live.

Adieu, have a brilliant Tuesday everyone!

{This is a glimpse of what I take photos of daily}

sky