Cookies & Rain

22:39pm

Ups and downs. That is how I would describe my life, your life, and life in general.

We just have to keep going I guess.

I don’t want to write much,

just the fact that, we really should appreciate the good things and the bad things, the smallest of things can change the entire day,

look for the good things, and suddenly life isnt so daunting anymore,

smile,

love,

be nice,

and most importantly,

love yourself.

❤

I’ll be okay, bub, I’ll be okay.

So guys,

I don’t get many views, I don’t get many likes,
from blogging every sunday morning and throughout the week, I’ve now gone to blogging like once a month? If that,

I have been sad

really really sad

for five days or more,

it feels like forever

it always feels like forever,

and there’s no real reason, no reason at all, I just feel my heart breaking every day, and I know that sounds bloody poetic, but it isn’t.

Thank God for my boyfriend for always always dragging me out of the hole, the pit that I dig to bury myself in.

I feel bad, I feel really bad,

I treat people like shit, I forget that they have emotions and feelings and problems too.

Now I’ve turned into someone I’m not, I’m turning into a mean bitch that really doesn’t care about anything at all, that sees no point in school, madressah, life.

I just don’t feel that’s me. That isn’t me at all.

I used to make people smile.

I used to be interesting, fun, joyful, a burst of sunshine,

now I’m just blending in,

and that isn’t me at all.

I have so so much to do!

My dad promised to buy my car and pay for insurance if I learn to drive in a year, which is gonna drain me,

over summer I shall:

learn to cook,

read read read, the whole library if possible,

do the theory bit of my driving,

live,

revise, study everything so I make it easier for next year,

enjoy my life.

I’m gonna change, I’m gonna be happier and I’m gonna sort my life out,

I’m gonna work hard to get into a good university,

I’m gonna get back to reading a book every 2 days,

I’m gonna live.

You know what, I need to write, I need to go shopping and buy some colourful shoes, so everywhere I walk I’m walking on literal sunshine,

I need to write, that is the most important thing, I need to make myself happy, without anything or anyone else,

I need to get closer to God, I need to build that bridge again, because without God nothing is anything really.

~If God Wills.

PS: Danny, I’m sorry, I’m sorry for everything wrong I’ve ever said or done, I’m sorry for being so self centered and not being a very nice person at all. I love you as a brother, and I’m sorry that I have been what I have been.

Everyday is A Chocolate Digestive

Chocolate digestives have 2 sides,

the chocolate,

the plain,

I have no idea why anyone would buy a pack of plain digestives,

I mean EW

The thing with chocolate digestives is, that you dunk it into your tea and it tastes delicious, the chocolate and the plain, together, as one,

and that folks, is what everyday is like,

you have the plain, or the bad moments,

then you have the chocolate, delicious moments,

and both of them together is what makes the digestive, the digestive.

 

Something Outta Nothing

1:24 am

I’m awake,

I’m alive,

truly wonderfully alive,

tomorrow I’m going to work my ass off,

and I just know my life is finally starting anew,

I just know

I’ve got a job, I’ve got my provisional license, 3 weeks until school and madressah end,

A whole Summer ahead of me…..

And the whole world in my palm 🙂

 

Society Almost Killed Me

Lately I’ve been finding it very hard to do the smallest of tasks, today it took me 2 hours to convince myself to get out of bed and go shower after school. Once I had actually showered, I left my hair wet, and it is still wet, it has been around 6 hours.

I’m finding it hard to go to sleep.

I’m finding it hard to wake up.

I’m finding it hard to remain in control of my emotions.

I’m finding it hard to eat, dream, write, work, paint,

I am finding almost everything hard.

Sometimes I feel I have no one to talk to, everywhere I turn I’m judged or told that I’m too emotional, or I’m ‘not allowed’ to talk about such things, this is one of the only safe spaces I have, where I can tap tap tap away at 1:27am and not get told off for not sleeping.

My question is, when did that become a bad thing?

I’m sure Shakespeare was emotional. Heck, I’m sure Picasso, Michael Angelo, Da Vinci, Van Gogh, Maya Angelou, Duffy and Larkin, were all bloody emotional too.

I’m seeing all these horrific things on the news and I feel utterly miserable because of them, not to mention the horrific pressures of school, my parents, my religious expectations, life en general.

I want to write.

I really want to write.

The thing is I see poetry everywhere, I see it, breathe it, live it.

It is everywhere for me.
And yet the blank spaces on paper, or the blank screen on my phone daunt me, scare me away.

I feel useless, pointless, reckless, hopeless, and all the other lessers.

I feel empowered, inspired, motivated, hopeful,

I feel everything

I feel nothing

I love life

I hate life

Like this it goes on, and on, and on,

never ending, never beginning,

eternal.

My breakdowns are becoming frequent, I’m scared.

I’m really scared. I don’t want to be who I was 4 years ago, I’ve made progress,

I feel myself slipping,

holding on to the edge of a jagged cliff surface,

the roaring waves beneath me, wanting, craving to

let go.

I feel myself soaring,

leaving everything, everyone behind……

The world turns, night turns to day, and I miss another sunrise.

I remember when I yearned for sunrise. I used to slurp it up like a giddy child having slush. Not caring if I got brainfreeze, or would you say brainmelt?

Now I dare not even open my curtains some days.

It’s in the small things. Do I bother brushing my teeth? Do I bother making my bed? Do I bother planning an outfit? Do I bother living?

This is not always. This is sometimes.

Sometimes I can rule the world.

Sometimes I cannot even rule myself.

Sometimes is becoming often.

I must sleep. For tomorrow there is another facade to live upto.

I must sleep. for tomorrow I have another life to live.

Every breath is a new life, is there any greater blessing?

 

Sehri Tings

1:39 am

I know it’s been foreverrrrrrrrrrr since I blogged, and barely any of my followers actually you know, ‘follow’ me anymore, but hey

I thought I’d snap back to mi old ways for a bit,

today is the 15th day of ramadhan, I am EXHAUSTED, and yet my mind is wide awake, I know that doesn’t make sense but yeah nothing makes sense :’)

I have had my first cup of coffee today and I’ve been no-coffee for around 4/5 months now,

The reason?

I thought to myself “Hey, you’ve been having a lot of breakdowns, you’ve been putting up with a lot of stress recently, you need to TREAT YOSELF GIRRRRRRRL”

So how do I do that? Coffee. BUT OF COURSE.

guys, I’m excited for eid because I’m gonna look HOT ASSSSSSSSSSSSSSS FUUUUUUUDGE, (Ik I look hot as fudge anyways, Ik none of you have seen me Ik Ik)

I decided today that I want to wear a black floor length dress that has gold embroidery around the neck and sleeve lines and a slit in the middle, TO SHOW OFF THESE SEXY TROUSERS THAT GO WITH IT, yassssssssss, but like ma mother needs to sew that for me inshallah (If Allah Wills) soon,

what else did I want to talk about???

…………….

hmmmmmmmmmm

on second thought I’ll put what I wanted to talk about in another post because now that I really think about it it will take a longgggg time,

so ya

just checking in with you kids, staying cool, staying random,

love ya for reading ❤

1:52am

 

Cutting Ties

I cried so much my eyes look
Bruised

I cried so much the sky no longer looks
Blue

My heart broke in two,
My soul lies there on the floor,

Whilst the voices in my head come
Knock-Knock
Knocking on my door,

Here they come again,
My old best friends,

The demons in my mind,
Dancing with delight
At the sigh of me

Melting

Crumpled, huddled over,

Stab wounds in my chest,
Giving up the fight,

But once more the flashlight

Blinds me

Finds me

Hides me from the cruel cruel world,

I am no longer a hopeless girl,

Here I lie,

Here I fight,

My heart taped together,
My eyes shining bright,

Cutting ties with the thoughts in my mind.

---

I wrote this after my breakdown today,

I didn’t really understand what was going on, I just had this urge to write,

and I did,

and ya know what,

it’s not that bad mate 🙂

Oops, I procrastinated all holiday, YET AGAIN

I left everything to last minute because that’s just what I always do!!! And now I’m rushing everything,

I’m still doing my EPQ and it seems to be taking forever,

I am in SO much trouble tomorrow, I have EPQ lesson, I have a trig test, I have a stats paper due 😥

Lord help me,

I’m so screwed, and what am I doing? Sipping tea, blogging, listening to podcasts

brilliant,

wish me luck! ?

Plucking Up The Courage

I finally made a poetry page on Instagram!!!!!!

I know it will flop but hey, it’s worth a shot,

realising just how much poetry has an effect on my life I thought why the heck not! I mean I need to start writing again, it helps me with my thoughts and feelings and emotions and all that gooey icky scary stuff,

Thing is, as soon as I made it I felt shit,

utterly shit, because something inside me tells me my poetry is bad, useless, pointless, and I’m really just lying to myself about being a secret poet,

it sucks really,

I just cried about it,

I’m still crying about it,

God, I’m getting so frustrated, can I not just for once be happy about something minor and not feel bad about it?!

Stupid brain,

Stupid heart,

I named it after my blog, because even though I’ve neglected this place for so long, it still means a lot to me, it has made me, me, to be honest,

and I want to thank you all for helping me become myself, and all your continuous support.

I just want to have a bath right now and forget about all my emotions,

I shall check in later?

Oh, go and have a snoop if you’d like and give me feedback! No matter how harsh! The name is : an_enigmatic_wanderer

thank you ❤

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Assam Tea, Breakdowns & Life en Général

So!

I is back guys, I has been gone so long I’ve forgotten how this whole thing works,

I’ve decided to come back because I need an outlet I need somewhere to let loose, and I haven’t used my diary since last year because I’m just too lazy to get up and get a pen and write,

That is also the reason why I haven’t been writing poetry in what seems like forever, also one of the many things stressing me out

lol -_-

I’m currently on my Easter break from school, which isn’t really a break for me because all I seem to be doing is wasting my days and then feeling guilty about it when in fact I have a lot of work to do, don’t tell me off, there are reasons,

a.) I’m lazy
b.) I’ve been having bad moodswings lately, to be frank at the beginning of this holiday I stayed in bed for 3 days straight struggling to cope, thank God for that one person who never leaves me and always has my back,
c.) I’m lazy
d.) I was catching up on sleep
e.) I has had migraine
f.) I’M LAZY OKAY?!

so yeah I forgot where I was going with this,

uhmmmm,

right a levels! Life!

Yesterday I went to somas house, it was fun, a break from my room, my brain, my demented thoughts, it was me, her and tay, the other squad member couldn’t make it because she was away,

oh yeah, our squad (the hobos) decreased by one person, not because of death! *Eye roll* because she pissed us off and we no longer see her fit to be in our squad, (WOW I SOUND LIKE SUCH A MEAN PERSON, oh wait, I am a mean person)

so theres literally 4 of us and 1 gf whom I’m not really sure is in our squad or na,

it’s complicated,

ANYWAYS,

so the breakdowns thing, I feel I really should go get help at school or something, like get a counselor, but I’m worried they won’t take me seriously because I’ve not been properly diagnosed with any mental illness or anything, but I’m worried that my mind will get in the way of me doing the very best I can at school, madressah and in life.

I keep getting distracted,

assam tea is what I’ve replaced coffee with, I haven’t had coffee in dayssss

YAY FOR ME

remember when  I used to have 4 cups a day lolololol

I’ve realised I cry at least once almost everyday, I’m not sure if that’s like okay or not, but whatever at least I’m not having full on panic attacks or anything,

recently I’ve had quite a few issues with friends, like I’ve never had issues with these people, but lately it has happened and I was like WHAT THE FUDGE THESE PEOPLE NEVER DO THIS WHAT WHATTTTTTT, but then I sorted it so everything is fine,

I guess sometimes we just forget to talk about things, just letting things out of our minds, but yeah I think I dealt pretty good, didn’t really let it get to me much,

hmmm, being 17 is so weird, I just want school to be over already, but at the same time I’m just so scared, scared of what the future looks like, because truly I have no real idea of what the hell I want to do anymore,

I feel like nothing is really in my control, that I have to please everyone else,

and that is wrong I know, I know the world is supposedly my oyster and all that shit, but it doesn’t feel that way to me,

I don’t want to be depressing but that’s just how I feel,

Trump needs to stop blowing places up, people need to stop being so damn racist, sexist, STUPID, the world needs a fix,

I need to actually do some work now guys, at least a tiny miny bit,

so I hope you guys missed me? You probably didn’t, you’ve probably forgotten all about my crazy blog, but I hope you guys are all well and healthy and happy,

Have a great weekend ❤