A Note To You

I remember all the times I cried down the phone to you,
I remember all the times you listened patiently to my complaining,
I remember staring at the moon, my hands shaking, hearing your voice for the first time, my stomach doing backflips, my mind going wild,

In a way, you were there for me, though not physically, I was in your embrace, always.

People change. I know that now. But somewhere under this soldier’s mask, I still see you, I still love you, the you that made me laugh by telling me lame jokes, the you that called me beautiful in a manner that I believed it.

You’re following your father’s footsteps, I’ve always admired you for that, for your undeniable respect, the way you see things in a way no one else does,

I will never be able to tell you all this, I’m just too cowardly, or maybe I just don’t want to tell you because I don’t want to break your heart, your beautiful artist’s heart, maybe I repect you too much.

I am a pacifist, I hate violence, and you’re becoming a soldier, how ironic!

I remember being absolutely fascinated by your art, the raw pain could be seen, it broke my heart, but made me love you even more,

You always believed in me, even when I was a foolish child, when I didn’t see the world for what it was but what I wished it to be,

You would always listen, no matter how petty my problems were, you used to listen.

Now you have no time. You have no time even for yourself, that breaks my heart, you have no time to be yourself,

See you break my heart over and over, but you still manage to sprinkle magic over my sight, your crazy ass magic, I love that,

You didn’t even realise how deep the cracks in my heart became,  I can’t blame you for my selfishness, because I didn’t see you changing so fast, though it was right in front of me,

Your stupid jokes, your stupid voice, your stupid paragraphs, your stupid philosophies, your stupid conspiracies,

You still remain on my mind, every second, every breath I dare take,

I don’t cry over you, I won’t let myself, because I know you’d hate that, you’d never forgive yourself for hurting me,

You have eyes that can see into my soul, it both thrills and scares me, I love that,

Your soul must be so old, so surreal, so unique, it must be made of irridescent shards of glass,

I couldn’t take it anymore, you not having time, you not making time for me.

So I made the worst mistake in my life,

Forgive me.

I am sorry.

 

 

 

Waiting For Something That May Not Happen

Something, someone, hmm

I keep daydreaming about home, the place where the trees were purple and the sky was always blue,

The garden was silent, but beyond the walls life was so vibrant, an explosion of colour and music,

I miss my home so much, I wasn’t born there, I am not a resident of the country, but it’s home, the feeling it gives me, home.

I asked my parents to let me go this summer, but since we’re moving house there might not be enough money (tickets are expensive! sheesh!)

If I go I can reunite with my best friend, my sister, my love, if I don’t it will be another grey summer in England,

If I go I can learn to drive in my grandad’s car, if not, I’m stuck here being treated like a kid,

Thinking back to my year there, there was never a day where I went to sleep crying, never did I wake up and not want to get out of bed,

The place, people, atmosphere and food is just surreal,

I guess all I’m trying to say is

I want to go home.

Once Again

I find myself laughing randomly, out of the blue,

I like it

I feel happy 🙂 like 2016 will be my year, I mean it ^_^

Time grabs you by the wrist {A Toast To 2015!}

[I hate to be generic but this post is due]

{A Green day lyric used for the title}

2015 was one heck of a year for me, I have changed overwhelmingly (is that a word?)
This is the year I found another part of who I am, I found out who my real friends are, who I love, who I don’t. This year I found out I don’t need anyone who doesn’t need me. I found out I am actually an okay writer, and that all I have to do is work tremendously hard and believe in myself.

This year I went to Tunisia with my family, London too, but it was abroad that I found out how to be myself with not a care in the world, I learnt how to love myself, even when no one else could, I learnt that it doesn’t matter how many times I break, I will survive.

I figured out that I am actually good at maths! Though I may not be a genius, I’m still good at it, that is when I put the work in. I re-learnt that it’s okay to be different. I learnt how to tolerate bullshit, and when not to tolerate it.

I fixed myself at the beginning of the year, but I broke somewhere in between, but mosaics are beautiful too 🙂

I learnt that my religion does not have to bind me, it is a personal thing, religion, no one can tell me what to believe.

I discovered that I can do whatever the hell I want, that my parents deserve respect, that my friends love me so so much, that I don’t need painkillers, I don’t need coffee to be myself,

I can have fun when least expected,

2015 was an important building block in my life, but it’s not the most important,

I can now listen to crappy music and not feel bad, because I no longer care what people think of me!

Being alone is not the worst thing in the universe because sometimes when you’re surrounded by people you feel the worst,

The sunrise is an amazing spectacle and should not be taken for granted,

Fruit is nature’s gift, eat it, but not the stuff they sell at  school, that’s crap,

Trees listen to you, so be careful what you say,

The sky watches your every move, don’t cuss at it XD it will rain on you when you’re locked outside,

I was fortunate to discover that school is HARD work, and that it won’t get easier but harder in the upcoming years,

I can choose whether I want to go out or not, I don’t have to go to dumb weddings if I don’t want to, all I had to say was that I didn’t want to go,

I’ve grown a great deal, physically, mentally, spiritually, whatever, I’ve grown, but I’m still growing,

My sense of style has been refined,

I can have fun without spending money,

2015 was a grand year, but 2016 will be better XD

Telling The World

I’m sat in complete darkness listening to artificial rain because that is how crap this country is, it doesn’t rain when you want it to! -_-

I’m listening to the rain in order to help me sleep, it is only 17:11 but I want to sleep because my mind is exhausted,

I told everyone I’m sleeping, so does that mean that I am? Asleep I mean.

I can’t sleep. I try so hard at night, I can’t, sometime in the dark morning I fall asleep, but I don’t really know when, or how, tiny noises wake me, so it isn’t a peaceful sleep at all.

Which is why I’m so tired all the time. I don’t want to tell anyone, but here I am, telling the world.

 

The Grown-Up Thing

The first grown up thing I’ve had to do? Register to vote! Ha!

I feel sad, but powerful, but sad

I mean I like being treated like an adult, but when you say you want a trampoline you get that stern “you’re supposed to be an adult now” look,

*sigh*

Why can’t we just do what we like, why is everything ever known to us labelled and sorted, and we all have to be this generic thing called a good citizen, we wear suits and have office jobs and pay taxes and buy a house with a mortgage?

Why can’t we just do as we please? (Unless it means hurting someone of course)

Why is being grown up looked upon as a grey thing, when I grow up I want to be exactly the way I am now, maybe just happier and less worried about shit that doesn’t matter, but otherwise exactly the same! Because being grown up seems so boring, you do the boring job, and buy the boring house with the boring car, you marry a boring person, and have boring kids, who grow up to be boring, same old same old,

Why?!

I admit, I’m not making any sense, this post has no ultimatum, I am writing it because I am registering to vote, sorrynotsorry I’ll shutup now.

:’)

I Am Winnie The Pooh

I realised this yesterday whilst I was waiting for the honey to drop out of the honey jar XD hahaha

I’m growing up to be Pooh Bear! :’) I worry about miniscule things, I love honey, I go on random adventures, I’m too nice, I’m submissive,

I mean seriously now! >.<

Turn The Music Up, Zone Out, Work Your Ass Off

I Want So Much

Though I’m not wearing any XD I mean metaphorically obviously,

I wake up so late these days! I’m kicking myself about all the work I’ve avoided for so long :O

I HAVE 4 DAYS NOW

4 FRAKKING DAYS!!?!?!?!?!?

I’m currently sat in my messy excuse of a bed typing this in my pyjamas, I haven’t even had coffee yet and I have a feeling the laptop will die soon

The battery just died :’) I’m so lazy

the screen is being weird and going purpley for no reason -_-

WHY DON’T WE JUST GET A NEW LAPTOP?! silly people,

I want to go on a road trip to somewhere beautiful, I want to stand on top of a cliff and just breathe,

but no, here I am, in my messy room, doing shit all being frustrated with myself -_-

LIFE HURTS (for now anyways)

I’m Too Submissive, but oh well XD

Why does doing the wrong thing make my heart beat so fast? Why does it make me feel free and happy?  Why do lies excite me? Why do I choose the craziest friends?!

AAAAAAARGH Today has just been crazy crazy craaaaazyyyy!

I had so much fun with 2 of my best friends, we went out hush hush to the city centre and basically did nothing, but wasted time in a fashionable manner,

I was obviously the slob eating the chocolate covered pretzel and getting it EVERYWHERE! XD

I said hush hush because mes parents didn’t know >.<

hehe I am SUCH A BAD LIAR,

but oh well I won’t get in trouble….hopefully….

Anyways, I am too nice these days, like wayyy too nice for my liking,

I simply cannot be mean

weird huh?